Here's the wisdom that my female friend said she would give to a class of "Young Marrieds:"
"Men like sex a lot. Men think about sex a lot. It's a God-given desire so that the human race doesn't die out. For women, not so much. The problem is that men believe a woman's desire for them reflects how much the woman loves the man. This simply isn't true."
Second, during lunch with a male friend, he furtively glanced at pretty much every woman in the restaurant. This confirms my other friend's comments that "men like and think about sex a lot since they need affirmation." I felt for him, because I know what it's like to be trapped by continual thoughts about sex and the concomitant need for affirmation. Yet, I still felt like his distraction was disrespectful to me and our time together. If I found it disrespectful, how must his wife feel? It also was significant that he thought he had to do it furtively, because honesty about men's desires is the first step on the path to freedom.
The second step to freedom in the area of sex is gaining the knowledge of God's infinite love for mankind and each and every man, woman, and child. We are indeed "children of God." God has given me some freedom in the area of sex due to one thing--knowing that Jesus loves me infinitely. Jesus accepts me just the way that I am. I don't have to prove anything to gain Jesus' love.
Knowing that God feels this way about me means that my desire to be loved by Debbie doesn't have the iron grip on me that it once had. So, I'm not nearly as demanding about sex. When I'm not demanding about sex, Debbie is free to love me.
Finally, I'm not saying that I've got it all figured out or that I ever will. I'm not saying that I don't still look at other women some times. But God's love has given me freedom that I never thought I would experience and that's good for me, Debbie, our marriage, and our family. As I told Debbie: "It was pure bloody hell to be bound up in sex as a way to affirmation--pure bloody hell."