Why "The Killers" make me cry---the grace of broken dreams

I'm writing this post to try and understand why The Killers make me cry.  Last week, their new album was free for listening on Itunes for a day so I was listening to it before going to bed.  Debbie was lying next to me reading a book.  I started crying and then tried to act like I wasn't crying.  We've been married 25 years, but still it's embarassing to be crying before your wife--particularly over a rock n' roll album.  I know that my wife thinks I'm weird, and she's right.

So, what is it about The Killers?  They understand that life on earth is filled with broken dreams (obviously, this is not rocket science--we all get this--eventually).  We start out with dreams of "being all that we can be."  We want to find a truly satisfying relationship.  We want to have good jobs.  We want to have families.  We think that we are going to be something special.  Then, we find out that we're not as special as we think.  We have success in one area of life--but the others escape us.  We wind up with broken dreams.  That is the law and grace--the bad and good--of life on earth.

Paul Zahl says that the greatest obstacle to "real life" is the ego's fight against its own dissolution.  Zahl says that death will be wonderful--it will release us from the bondage of our egos.  He's so right.  My prayer is to be released from the bondage of my ego--at least a little--before I die.  Our only hope for this is the defeat of our dreams.

So long as our dreams are being met, we plunder along trapped in our egos.  These egos of ours insulate us from the reality of life.  They insulate us from seeing the truth about ourselves.  We lie to ourselves about our capabilities so that our egos remain strong.  They insulate us from true relationships with others.  While our egos are alive, our relationships with others are always based upon what they can do for us.  This inhibits true love.

The Killers get this.  They capture the dreams of man--where we all start in our youth. They capture the brokenness that befalls man in this world as he encounters life.  But, they get something more--they understand that the response of the Creator to our brokenness is grace, refuge, and rebirth.  It is this juxtaposition of the grace and refuge of God against our brokenness that breaks down our egos.  It is this soft landing for our broken dreams that leads to freedom.  Without grace, our egos just keep fighting.  With grace, our egos are free to fall before the onslaught of our broken dreams.  This fall of the human ego is the greatest gift of God...it melds us with Him.


I'm not talking about
Deadlines and commitments
Sold out of confusion
There is a place
Here in this house
That you can stay

Catch you, darling
I'll be waiting
I am on your side

Laying down of arms--in marriage and football

For years, my wife and I saw only the bad traits in one another.  I'm sure that we saw each other's good qualities, but we focused on changing the bad qualities.  How do you think this went?  Not well, not well at all.  We went from being friends to thinly veiled enemies.  But, we're no different than anyone else.  This is the way that humans work--we want others to be like us and we want to be like others.  This leads to warfare--warfare designed to bring the other person in line with who we want them to be.  Or warfare designed for our views to triumph.  When the warfare gets bad enough, divorce results.  The antidote comes in learning to appreciate the other's good qualities, and accepting the bad qualities.  Often the "bad" qualities are really just good qualities taken to an extreme.  When acceptance occurs, the other person becomes free to let the good part of the "bad" quality reign.  For me, it was anger.

PLEASE NOTE THAT SOMETIMES MORE THAN MERE ACCEPTANCE IS REQUIRED.  I AM NOT SAYIN TO JUST LIVE WITH SOMEONE WITH AN ANGER PROBLEM.  OFTENTIMES OUTSIDE HELP IS REQUIRED.

Does this idea of accepting others as they are, and accepting ourselves as we are, have any application to the war between Alabama and Auburn?

Alabama fans want to feel superior to Auburn, and Auburn fans want to tear down Alabama's football program or at least beat Alabama.  This is nothing short of insanity.  Football, football, football.  I've written recently about the humor that Jesus expresses in reflecting upon the human condition of the Pharisees.  Well, we Alabama fans (in general) are clearly the Pharisees--the elder brother.  The Auburn fans (in general) are clearly the Prodigal--the younger brother.  We need to see the humor in putting so much of ourselves into football.  (This applies equally to me--I bleed Crimson.)

How do we go about changing our minds?  Well, Debbie and I began looking at the good qualities in one another.  Debbie is a wonderful mother--much more relational than me.  I didn't like her lack of order.  I am the more orderly one, but often I would put order ahead of relationships.  As we have begun appreciating the good traits in one another, order has lost its pre-eminence, and I have become more relational.  For Debbie, now order has become much more ingrained in her life.

What can Alabama appreciate about Auburn?  Well, they feed us.  They put astronauts in space.  Are food and the conquering of space more important than football?  If you don't think so, then you might be the one needing outside help.

What can Auburn appreciate about Alabama?  the law school and medical school.

Where has this war led us?  too much time, effort and money wasted on football.  The mere existence of the Paul Finebaum show is an indictment of the State of Alabama.  I'm not for dismantling either school's football program, but I am for putting football into its proper perspective.  I am for healing differences so that Alabama, 48th or 49th on most lists, can actually move forward for the sake of its citizens.  So, Roll Tide and War Damn Eagle--not as battle cries--but as salutes to what these schools bring to the State outside of football.

Jesus' humor--exposing the comedic nature of our egos

In one of his recent podcasts, Paul Zahl says that "this facade of human existence is in fact a comedy...an elaborate role play of egos that are trying to find a place to stand in a secondary object whether it be a career, a woman, a child...it's all on sand." He notes that so few ever see this. He said that it makes him view death in a good light, because he will be liberated from his petty ego--"I want to leave behind Paul Zahl...ugh."

Jesus tried to bring this insight to people's attention. He regularly pointed out the humor and irony in what so many believed about themselves and this life. Take for example his reply to the Pharisees about fasting. Jesus first told them that his disciples did not fast, because He, Jesus, was present. If fasting is meant to be a way to grieve over our sins which distance us from God, how could you grieve when God is actually in your presence? Last nite, when I was reading this account, I finally got the humor and comedy of his comment. In other words, if you folks really realized who I am, you would be partying (like the wedding feast), not fasting in an effort to show your piety. Jesus does this time and time again, trying to help us dissociate ourselves from our egos, from our need to be right, from our self-importance, from our self-righteousness, from our self-absorbed piety. 

When, from time to time, I actually grasp this secret, actually see the desires of my ego as comedic, I experience true joy. Being liberated from the bondage of the ego, both in this life and the next, is the greatest gift that one can receive.

Eminem, a Belittling of the law, and the murder of relationships

It won't surprise you that I'm not a fan of rap music.  But Eminem--that's another story.  Particularly, "When I'm Gone."  Nor am I a fan of country music.  But Johnny Cash--that's another story.  Particularly, "Hurt."  Both of these songs involve the artist removing his mask, staring straight into his own failings (into the human condition), and proclaiming those shortcomings to the world.  Eminem and Johnny get the impossibility of keeping the law.  They don't believe that it's easy to live a good life.  They don't believe that they can love others appropriately.  When we do think the law is capable of being kept, we place demands upon ourselves and others which leads to the death of those relationships.  I've been there.  I can say with Eminem:

Have you ever loved someone so much, you'd give an arm for?
Not the expression, no, literally give an arm for?
When they know they're your heart
And you know you were their armour
And you will destroy anyone who would try to harm her
But what happens when karma, turns right around and bites you?
And everything you stand for, turns on you to spite you?
What happens when you become the main source of her pain?
"Daddy look what I made", Dad's gotta go catch a plane



Like Eminem, I would have given an arm for my wife and kids.  So, how did I go from there to having my wife tell me that she was "plotting her escape" from me?  The belittling of the law.

I was raised believing that I could keep the law.  When I speak of the law, I don't just mean the Ten Commandments, I mean the expectations for our conduct that arise from our innate moral ideas, from societal and cultural views, from our churches, from our parents, from our friends, etc.  This "little 'l' law" is crippling.  It's crippling, because we believe that we can keep it.  We all think that we can keep certain parts of the law.  I think I can be an ethical, upstanding father, church member, and citizen.  My wife thinks she can be a loving, relational person.  When we believe that we can keep the law, we then expect ourselves and others to keep the law.  The following is perhaps a trivial example, but it had a profound effect on my relationship with my wife.

I thought my wife should keep a neat, orderly house.   I believed that an orderly house would benefit all of us.  So, I would say: "Debbie, please pick up the house."  The next day, I would say:  "Debbie, why haven't you picked up the house?"  Then, the next day:  "Debbie, pick up the damn house."  As you can imagine, this wasn't good for our marriage.  Why did I feel free to condemn Debbie for the way that she kept the house?  Because I thought I was doing a good job at providing for my family and being a good leader of the family.  I was so blind.  When I finally learned about grace, I began helping Debbie to pick up the house.  When we shouldered the burden together, it began building trust and love between us.

Similarly, I never shared my work with Debbie.  I didn't want her to know that my job was difficult (maybe to protect her, but most certainly so that she wouldn't think that I lacked competence).  When I finally began to share my work with her, it transferred the burden to both of our shoulders and similarly developed love and trust between us.

So, when we think that the law is capable of being fulfilled, we expect ourselves and others around us to keep it.  This places life-robbing, relationship-destroying demand upon us and others.  What's the answer?  The answer is the demand for perfection expressed by God to Abraham and by Jesus.  When faced with a demand for perfection, we then can't keep the law.  We can't measure up.  This opens us to being empathetic to others when they don't keep the law.  But the true healing power comes from the grace that God meets us with when we time and time again fail to keep the law.  This is the one needful thing--the one true change agent in the world.  As Scotty Smith says, "Before we can say Abba to God, we first have to say 'Uncle.'"

I want to thank Tullian Tchividjian for his faithful proclamation of the grace of God.  One of his sermons was the genesis of this post.