It won't surprise you that I'm not a fan of rap music. But Eminem--that's another story. Particularly, "When I'm Gone." Nor am I a fan of country music. But Johnny Cash--that's another story. Particularly, "Hurt." Both of these songs involve the artist removing his mask, staring straight into his own failings (into the human condition), and proclaiming those shortcomings to the world. Eminem and Johnny get the impossibility of keeping the law. They don't believe that it's easy to live a good life. They don't believe that they can love others appropriately. When we do think the law is capable of being kept, we place demands upon ourselves and others which leads to the death of those relationships. I've been there. I can say with Eminem:
Have you ever loved someone so much, you'd give an arm for?
Not the expression, no, literally give an arm for?
When they know they're your heart
And you know you were their armour
And you will destroy anyone who would try to harm her
But what happens when karma, turns right around and bites you?
And everything you stand for, turns on you to spite you?
What happens when you become the main source of her pain?
"Daddy look what I made", Dad's gotta go catch a plane
Like Eminem, I would have given an arm for my wife and kids. So, how did I go from there to having my wife tell me that she was "plotting her escape" from me? The belittling of the law.
I was raised believing that I could keep the law. When I speak of the law, I don't just mean the Ten Commandments, I mean the expectations for our conduct that arise from our innate moral ideas, from societal and cultural views, from our churches, from our parents, from our friends, etc. This "little 'l' law" is crippling. It's crippling, because we believe that we can keep it. We all think that we can keep certain parts of the law. I think I can be an ethical, upstanding father, church member, and citizen. My wife thinks she can be a loving, relational person. When we believe that we can keep the law, we then expect ourselves and others to keep the law. The following is perhaps a trivial example, but it had a profound effect on my relationship with my wife.
I thought my wife should keep a neat, orderly house. I believed that an orderly house would benefit all of us. So, I would say: "Debbie, please pick up the house." The next day, I would say: "Debbie, why haven't you picked up the house?" Then, the next day: "Debbie, pick up the damn house." As you can imagine, this wasn't good for our marriage. Why did I feel free to condemn Debbie for the way that she kept the house? Because I thought I was doing a good job at providing for my family and being a good leader of the family. I was so blind. When I finally learned about grace, I began helping Debbie to pick up the house. When we shouldered the burden together, it began building trust and love between us.
Similarly, I never shared my work with Debbie. I didn't want her to know that my job was difficult (maybe to protect her, but most certainly so that she wouldn't think that I lacked competence). When I finally began to share my work with her, it transferred the burden to both of our shoulders and similarly developed love and trust between us.
So, when we think that the law is capable of being fulfilled, we expect ourselves and others around us to keep it. This places life-robbing, relationship-destroying demand upon us and others. What's the answer? The answer is the demand for perfection expressed by God to Abraham and by Jesus. When faced with a demand for perfection, we then can't keep the law. We can't measure up. This opens us to being empathetic to others when they don't keep the law. But the true healing power comes from the grace that God meets us with when we time and time again fail to keep the law. This is the one needful thing--the one true change agent in the world. As Scotty Smith says, "Before we can say Abba to God, we first have to say 'Uncle.'"
I want to thank Tullian Tchividjian for his faithful proclamation of the grace of God. One of his sermons was the genesis of this post.
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