I heard a preacher espouse the benefits of second and third marriages. He said that he has a rabble-rouser in his Bible study who said that everyone needed to be married a second time. The pastor ruminated on this idea, and he realized that we are all married multiple times--that is if we stay with the same spouse. If we stay with the same spouse, our marriages must change fundamentally in order to stay alive. Conversely, often (but not always) when we change spouses, we deprive ourselves and/or spouses of having a really good marriage. Pretty radical idea, but Debbie and I decided that it was true.
Debbie and I have decided that we are on our third marriage. Our first marriage began in 1987. As God points out in Genesis, we are extremely self-focused beings, and men focus their ultimate energy on their jobs and women focus their ultimate energy on their children. We did not like this about each other. We tried to change each other for the first 12 to 13 years of our marriage. Debbie had reached the point that she believed that divorce was her only out. She told me this then. Thankfully, we were both in truly Christian Bible studies, and we immediately prayed together. Things then began to change. We stopped trying to change one another--but it was solely by the grace of God.
So, our second marriage began around 2000-2001. It lasted for about 10 years. It was fine. I didn't think it could get any better. Debbie and I treated each other lovingly and with grace, but probably we did it more because we were so thankful to still be together than out of appreciation for who the other person was. Then, about three years ago, Debbie said, out of the blue (at least to me): "Let's go see Gil." Gil is a wonderful counsellor who truly understands the human condition and God's grace. My obtuse response: "We have a wonderful marriage, why would we go and see Gil? You can go if you want to." So, she did.
Our third marriage arose out of Gil's counseling. By seeing Gil, Debbie was able to love some difficult people in her life in a radical new way. Seeing this, I was eager to go to see Gil with Debbie. One day leaving Gil's, Debbie said: "Gil says that we are to treat each other with grace." Being a person that is euphemistically called "Mr. Grace" at church (positively by some and negatively by others), I couldn't believe that she was just now hearing this idea of grace. But often we can't hear things from our spouse. For years, I couldn't hear Debbie's counsel about how destructive my anger was. I learned it from my children. So, sometimes it takes a third person.
Gill taught me how to listen. I began to listen to every word that Debbie spoke. We are so different, and rather than being a curse (which it was in the early years of our marriage), it is a blessing. Debbie is strong where I am weak, and vice a versa. She has wisdom where I don't and vice a versa. Our third marriage is a partnership, or really a tri-party relationship involving the Holy Spirit. Had Debbie not courageously hung in there but instead had acted on her desire for a divorce, we wouldn't be on our third marriage. I will be eternally thankful to her for this.
One last thing. As we were discussing this topic, Debbie told me that, years ago, when she was contemplating divorce, she thought: Well even if I can't do it in this life, at least God will let me divorce Ellis in heaven. Well, I couldn't stop laughing and crying. It's humorous, but also deeply sad. That was the state of our first marriage. As PZ says, change is not done incrementally, but it requires death and resurrection.
Thanks be to God for PZ, Kathy Girardeau, Gil Kracke, and so many others who have ceaselessly proclaimed the pure unadulterated Gospel of grace into our lives. Debbie and I, our children, and so many others have been the beneficiaries of those who courageously espouse grace with no "buts," no "ands," and no conditions.
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