I had dated two women that I had seriously considered marrying. I realized that the first was not the "one for me." Unfortunately, I didn't break off the first relationship as definitively as I should have. When it reared it's head again, the second relationship didn't survive. I was despondent. Both of these women--particularly the second--had met my definition of a woman to be married--they were both attractive and they came from a certain background--they had successful fathers. Then, I met Debbie.
The first time that I saw Debbie I was out with friends at the old Upside Down Plaza--the one which is now occupied by Hot n' Hot Fish Club. I was instantly mesmerized. Debbie was the most beautiful woman that I'd ever met. As we talked, I realized what an amazing, kind disposition she had. To me, she was "young, sweet, only seventeen"--a "Dancing Queen." I recall trying to get her phone number, but she wouldn't give it to me. She had some excuse (true I'm sure) of having recently given it to someone else, and he wouldn't stop calling her. She told me that we would see each other again--out on the town. Well, one of my friends got the phone number from Debbie's roommate (this was before cell phones--all they had was a house phone). The next day I called and invited Debbie to lunch. Debbie: "I'm sorry, I'm running out the door to have lunch with a friend."
So, rebuffed TWICE by Debbie or, at least, that was my perception. I was crushed and mad.
That Sunday, Debbie and her roommates were having a housewarming party. I went to see Debbie even though I didn't see much chance with her. When I got to the party, I found out that Debbie's sister was there, and I immediately began talking her up--"hitting on her" in the vernacular of the day in hopes of generating a reaction in Debbie. After 10-15 minutes, Debbie came over. She swears that it wasn't because she was jealous. Maybe so, but I was intent on getting Debbie, which was the only reason that I was "hitting on" her sister.
We went to dinner Monday nite, and then had a second date Tuesday nite. I had to work fast, because she was the "one for me," and I was leaving Birmingham to work the rest of the summer in D.C. and then back to law school.
So, I PROPOSED, on our second date. Debbie thought that I was crazy. She was right. I couldn't imagine life without her. Over the next three weeks, she met my family, and I met hers. My father approved, and Debbie's grandmother approved. From what I recall, the other family members didn't say anything--I'm sure they thought we were crazy as well.
Marriage is rough. Your wife goes from being your "Dancing Queen" to being your chief enemy. I had a picture in my head of what I wanted our family to be like--a good Southern Baptist family--with a successful husband, dutiful wife, and respectful kids. I did everything I could to achieve this goal. In doing so, I killed my "Dancing Queen." We had a picture of Debbie as a 3 or 4 year old in which she had a mischievous grin--a really mischievous grin. I lost this person over the first 12-13 years of our marriage.
Even though my friends would have told you that I was a passionate person who cared about others, I was screwing my marriage up terribly. Rather than letting Debbie be who she was, I was trying to turn her into a Southern Baptist "Stepford wife." Sometimes, I did this with express admonitions, and sometimes with only implicit ones. This was death.
Over time, I learned that Debbie didn't have a very high opinion of herself and I was making it worse. I was squelching the life out of her--so much so that in 2000 or so--she told me that she was "plotting her escape" for when the kids graduated from high school.
I was floored. I had no idea that I was her "prison guard." Thankfully, we had both been going to life-giving Bible studies for a couple of years. This allowed us to pray together, and from that day forward, things began to change.
I had come to my "Waterloo." In addition to learning that I had screwed up my marriage and family, along about the same time, I received a diagnosis of a rare auto-immune liver disease, and I learned that my efforts for one of my best clients had all been for naught. I had lost. My efforts to create a good Southern Baptist family had failed. In retrospect, I'm so thankful that I failed. I finally learned that I had no control over anything and that my efforts at control were damning, not helpful.
Over the last 12 to 15 years, Debbie and I (through nothing but the grace of God) have begun accepting each other as we are. I'm so thankful for her strengths that her weaknesses pale in comparison. What's more, you don't get certain strengths without the concomitant weaknesses.
Over and over, we lose--we give up expectations--we accept failure--and we forgive. To the world, failure and forgiveness are an anathema. They feel that way to us at the time. But over time, they are the work of the Holy Spirit. It's only when we give up trying to achieve our aspirations, that we receive those as pure gifts from God.
Debbie is my "Dancing Queen" once again and even more so. She has the mischievous grin from her picture as a 4 year old. She has the best sense of humor of anyone that I know. She's like Tina Fey, but her humor is simply natural. She and I have a marriage that we never thought possible. We're "having the time of our lives." I see Debbie as "young and sweet, only seventeen, (my) Dancing Queen, feel(ing) the beat from the tambourine--oh yeah."
At the same time, we're still deep-down sinners, which is not cause for despair. Because we're both sinners, we get the opportunity to forgive one another daily (on minor and major things). We daily meet our "Waterloo." This opportunity to forgive allows us to exhibit (albeit in a small way) the forgiving love of Christ to one another. It gives us a present taste of the Kingdom which, according to Christ, has broken through partially, and is breaking through, but isn't yet present in all of its fullness.
Praise be to God who makes all things new, and gives us the desires of our hearts, but only after He has killed us. So, God, bring quickly death--death to control; death to our aspirations; death to our self-birthed identities, and then give us life--life sensitive to the control of the Holy Spirit; life that gives birth to our aspirations; and life that breathes new identities into our dead selves.
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