WARNING: THIS MAY BE CONTROVERSIAL. I am so thankful to my many friends on Facebook and don't want to jeopardize those relationships. However, I think this topic needs to be addressed, because it can lead to radical freedom in marriage. I have run this post by several older men who have been married to one woman for decades, and they strongly agreed with this post and felt that it is important--that it could be life-giving. Before you read this, please understand that, when I raised this topic with my wife several months ago, she became angry. She said that I was blaming women for the state of sex in American marriages. After about a week, I was able to get her to understand that I wasn't blaming women--I was blaming society, I was blaming preachers (most of whom are men), and I was blaming men who had sought improper relations with women--all of this leads many women to feel that sex is "dirty" even within the confines of their long-time marriage. What bondage we men have wrought for our women. This bondage prevents both wives and husbands from experiencing the wonders of sex that God intended.
It is reported that a prominent local football coach lived a dual life. He apparently had two families. It is quite accurate to say that his work and career were as successful as one could desire. Yet, he had two families. We all know that men are motivated by, and find satisfaction in, work. But, it appears that his success in his work didn't "scratch his itch." Of course, most persons claiming to be Christians will say that he didn't have a relationship with God. Maybe God was the missing ingredient in his life. Maybe not.
One of my friends recently produced a brilliant and courageous podcast "Sex Isn't Everything," in which he explains that, in many respects, sex is everything. (Of course, our relationship with God is the fuel that makes everything go--whether it is sex, work, our families, etc.) My friend bluntly states that for men the orgasm is the "coup de grace." But, he doesn't stop there. He goes on to question whether it is the same for women. What? Could it be that the Song of Solomon is meant to be taken at "face value," like we are told to take the 144 hour creation story. I dare say that most evangelicals, some of whom argue that you are not a Christian unless you believe in a 144 hour creation story, wouldn't say the same thing about the Song of Solomon. In fact, this book is so "hot" that the early church fathers turned it into an allegory for Christ and his church. This isn't just wrong, but really, really wrong.
Taking Song of Solomon as being an allegory about Christ and His church is wrong for at least two reasons. First, it ascribes sexual language to the relationship between man and man's savior. Interestingly, this is what Freud believed--that every relationship was based upon human sexuality. There is some truth to what Freud is saying--but it is not fundamentally true--it is not the primary lens through which to understand relationships. My relationship with Christ is no more sexual, than my relationship with my sons or my best friends. The sexual language is simply "too hot" to ascribe to a non-sexual relationship.
Second, by claiming that the book is allegorical, it denies the importance of the man-woman sexual relationship. In the book, the passion of the woman matches the passion of the man. Maybe the early church fathers realized that this wasn't true in their marriages, so they came up with the allegory theory. But, shouldn't the picture of sex in SofS be true for marriages?
SofS compares the glory of sex to the glory of God expressed in the burning bush. Is this type of sexual glory possible when there is a disparate enjoyment of sex between the man and the woman? NO, simply NO. Did God intend for men to live dual lives--one in his mind where he experiences sex in the way that God designed it (or worse in the way that Satan distorts it), and another one in his actual bed? So, why do so many men experience a lack of sexual gratification with their wives. There are three simple reasons: a)prior negative sexual experiences in the woman's life; b)cultural more's; and c)the church. Women are made to feel guilty and dirty if they enjoy sex. An important corollary, but one which is addressed in some churches, is that men are to treat their wives as they themselves are treated by Christ, but men don't. In fact, I don't. But at least I recognize it. Most women don't recognize, or at least won't address, the issue with their view about sex.
A lack of sexual gratification leads most men to either sublimate their sexual desires or to act them out--with someone else. This leads to duality in men's lives--a duality that causes men to pretend that sex at home is okay, while either having an affair or, at least, having sexual fantasies about other women. If I had to bet, I would bet this is why the local football coach had two families.
As evidenced by the divorce rate in America, this issue needs to be addressed. One would think that the church would address it, but most churches are spineless. The most that any churches will allow in their pulpits is a proclamation that women should give sex to their husbands frequently so that their husbands won't stray. But, this denigrates sex. What man wants sex under compulsion? What drives men to other women's arms are those open arms--a real, or at least seemingly real, interest in sex by those women.
Sex is a beautiful gift from God. What a shame that it causes such problems in our society. What a shame that the church doesn't have the guts to address it in a true, and therefore helpful, fashion!
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